This morning’s story of crack police work in the news comes from France where it seems that French police hid a 150 gram bar of plastic explosives in the suitcase of a random airline passenger at Charles de Gaulle airport north of Paris to test the prowess of their bomb-detecting dogs. Then, the French cops lost track of the small dark blue suitcase in which they had stashed the Semtex and the explosives are still missing.
Sacre bleu!
One of the bomb sniffing dogs detected the suitcase, but a second dog, who presumably was off sniffing a poodle somewhere, was brought in and in the interim, the suitcase escaped from police surveillance. The gendarmes notified the hundred or so airlines flying into and out of Charles de Gaulle airport, but so far no one has found the material.
Details were sketchy, so I’ll use my imagination to reconstruct how all of this could happen. I would assume the man in charge of the operation, we’ll call him Inspector Jacques Clouseau, probably asked one of the dog handlers:
“Does your dog bite?”
At which time the dog promptly clamped down on the seat of Inspector Clouseau’s trousers, tearing away a large piece of material, exposing the Inspector’s underwear. From that point on, the Inspector was forced to remove his hat and hold it behind him, covering the hole in his trousers. The first dog discovered the suitcase in which the explosives were hidden and the search for the second dog began. At that very moment, a very attractive young French woman, wearing a low-cut dress that exposed her ample cleavage dropped her handkerchief and two policemen hurried over to help retrieve it. They arrived in front of her simultaneously, and as they bent over to pick up the handkerchief, they bumped heads, then stood and staggered dizzily for a moment.
“You fools!” shouted the inspector. “Stand back.”
The inspector then retrieved the young woman’s handkerchief and handed it to her while bowing and holding his hat in front of him. To his rear, two young girls began to giggle and pointed at the gaping hole in the Inspector’s trousers. Realizing he was the object of their laughter, the inspector returned to the full erect position and his hat returned to the area of his buttocks.
“Where is the second dog?” asked the inspector. “Hurry! Hurry!”
Now, how a sheet of flypaper could suddenly appear on the floor near the baggage conveyor in a modern airport I cannot tell you, but sure enough as the inspector paced, waiting for the second dog to be brought forth, he managed to put his foot right on the piece of flypaper. He looked down at his foot and seeing the paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe, he put his other shoe on it and pulled the first shoe away freeing it from the flypaper, but now it was stuck to the other shoe. He repeated the process, but now it was stuck on the original shoe, again. He reached down and pulled the paper off his shoe, but now it was stuck on his hand. He put his hat under his arm and used his other hand to try to remove the paper. The two girls behind him begin to giggle and point again.
“Sacre!”
The inspector looked around and saw a large red suitcase on the conveyor. He put the sticky edge of the flypaper in contact with the suitcase until a corner adhered, then held one hand against the non-sticky side of the paper and pulled his other hand from the sticky side. He was free. The suitcase proceeded down the conveyor for a few feet until another suitcase came into contact with it. A loose edge of the flypaper caught the second suitcase and they were connected. They formed a barrier on the conveyor that trapped every suitcase behind them until suitcases began tumbling off the conveyor by the dozens. One small dark blue suitcase proceeded down the conveyor by itself and out of the baggage area. An alarm sounded and baggage personnel began to converge on the area and quickly stopped the conveyor. The inspector walked away and acted as if he didn’t see all of the commotion.
The second dog arrived and the search for the small blue suitcase commenced. The dog was not successful in finding it.
“Stupid mutt!” exclaimed the inspector.
That’s how I imagine this could have happened, but I guess the story isn’t finished. The vast majority of us couldn’t recognize plastic explosives if we saw them, so imagine the surprise of the owner of that suitcase when it comes time to unpack. I’ve heard that sometimes in Hollywood they will make a movie and have two endings and have test audiences choose the one they think is best. I’ll have two endings and you pick the one you prefer.
Ending number one:
In London, Nellie Bell, the sweetest grandmother you’d ever want to meet, is unpacking after visiting her grandchildren in Paris. When she opens her small dark blue suitcase she finds a small package she didn’t remember putting in there. Obviously the grandchildren put it in there as a joke. She throws it into the trash and it is never seen or heard from again.
Ending number two:
In the port city of Aden, Yemen, Achmed Abdul Aziz is returning from a trip to Europe to contract for explosive materials. He has failed to make contact with any of his potential vendors and knows when he reports to the people who sent him, he will be considered a failure. He opens his small dark blue suitcase and discovers to his surprise the small package inside. He knows and loves the feel and smell of Semtex more than the smell and feel of a woman. It’s not much, but enough to bring down an airplane. He bows to the east and thanks Allah for this deus ex machina.
I think I like the first ending better. I think I’ll stick with it because we prefer slapstick fun here in Jimbo’s world.
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