redux: twelve days and one-o-seven large

Back in the day, your old (and you can put an exclamation point after that word these days) buddy Jimbo used to report every year on PNC Bank’s annual summary of what the Twelve Days of Christmas would cost a guy or gal.  Perhaps you may recall those glory days of yesteryear, and, if not, here is an example.

 http://jimboandhisfriends.blogspot.com/2004/11/twelve-days-and-sixty-six-large.html

 

Well, our buddies at PNC have come out with their numbers this year and if a brother, or sister, wants to go that traditional twelve-days-of-gifts route, it is going to set that brother or sister back one hundred and seven grand plus $300 change.  Here is a link to PNC’s website for those of you that are interested in going direct to the source.  I warn you, however, that some sort of dumb-ass contest, rather than any intelligent explanation of the economics behind the numbers pops up.  One needs to dig into the screen a bit to find the data behind the numbers

http://www.pncchristmaspriceindex.com

However, since I know you don’t want to see some old bald guy telling you about a contest, please feel free to stay here and this old bald guy will help to explain the numbers.

Basically, as the song goes, the presenter gives his gal a bird in a tree the first day and then repeats that every day for the twelve.  The second day is another couple of birds of a different species (repeated 11 times) and then three more birds of yet another species on day three, repeated ten times.  There are numerous exotic birds throughout the twelve days and it appears that a large part of the expenditure is for the fowl.

Jimbo went through and crunched the numbers and I am concerned the PNC guys didn’t shop around enough.  They figured $1000 each for the swans.  Repeated six times, that is 42 swans, or $42,000.  That is a big part of this total bill.  Yes, I found $1000 swans for sale on line, but I found cheaper ones and I am wondering if the guys at PNC tried to negotiate a quantity discount.  I asked Mrs. Jimbo if she would like 42 swans for Christmas this year and she was not warm to the idea.

The next biggest expense is the dancing ladies at $700 apiece, thirty-six times.  I am afraid when the dancing ladies showed up that Mrs. Jimbo would direct them to the door and would point her husband the same way.  When the twenty-five grand showed up on the Visa bill in January, she would suggest to Jimbo that he not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out—if she had not directed him to do that earlier.

Thirty leaping lords at $476 each (ten of them three times) is the third largest cost on the list.  The swans, the ladies and the lords total over $80 grand or more than 75% of the total nut.

While I agree with PNC that there has been inflation this year, I have to say that I have come to a similar conclusion that I did back in those heady days of 2004.  Instead of going for all of the livestock, drummers, dancers and leaping lords, we should probably consider things like ipads and flat screen televisions.  After all, it is easier to find these things on sale.

Now, get out there and start celebrating the Christmas season like you mean it.

it just gets weirder

Just when I see something so weird that I think I have seen it all and I am saying to myself, it can’t get any weirder than that, well, it does and it leaves me asking myself why I keep telling myself that.

I read a story today about a woman in Gilbert, AZ, who was so unhappy about Obama being reelected that she ran over her husband with a car, injuring him critically.  The story goes that the woman was so concerned that Obama will cause suffering for her family that she had to chase her husband with the car and run him down.

I am not that familiar with Gilbert, but I know of a couple of people who live there and I gather it is an upscale suburb because I understand they are wealthy people.  I would hazard a guess that raising taxes on the wealthy might have been the primary motivation for this automotive attempted homicide. 

Apparently the reason for the vehicular attack was that the husband failed to vote for Romney.  Had the husband voted for Obama, I’m sure there are a lot of nuts out there that might argue the attack was justified, because there are a lot of nuts out there saying a lot of crazy stuff.  However, the husband apparently failed to vote, period.

For the sake of argument, I am going to assume that both the woman driver and her target husband are Arizona residents.  Because Romney won Arizona and all its electoral votes an additional vote by the husband would have had no affect on the outcome of the election.  I am not cutting the guy slack because every vote counts and he should be ashamed of himself for not voting—even if it were potentially going to be a vote for Romney.  However, in this case, his additional vote would not have changed the results.  As unforgivable as not voting is, however, it is not a reason to inflict physical violence, and, in this case it would not provide justification for his maiming and almost homicide.

I think maybe the real story is that there are a lot of nuts out there saying a lot of nutty things, before and during election season and they are continuing after the election.

When we say seriously nutty things we have to remember that there are people out there who will hear them, believe them and act on them, even if their actions result in senseless violence.  Not all of those people have guns, but many of them have cars.

where I came from

I have had the bible open most of the day and, amongst doing some house repairs and washing the car, I have been trying to glean some information and trying to find out about myself.

Many long-time readers are probably asking, “Jimbo, didn’t you, years ago, in the words of the late Graham Parsons, talk about unbuckling that old bible-belt and headed for that Nevada desert town?”

Still others are probably asking whether, as my body is wracked with age more every day, I am following the lead of the great W. C. Fields who, on his death bed was observed reading his bible.  When questioned he responded that he was “Looking for loopholes.”

Well, as I have always believed the bible to be the source of most modern literature—or, at the very least—an important stopping-off point of most of the plotlines we read today, and I have quoted from the bible often in these pages.

However, today I have the bible open to some once-blank pages separating the new and Old Testament and I am reading notes about my family lineage jotted down by my grandfather sixty-some years ago.  Unfortunately, my grandfather died fifty-nine years ago, so he couldn’t pull out his ipad and go online and search.   He had to rely on word of mouth and reading books.  Fortunately I have the internet and I am able to search for the names in the good book and I am getting hit after hit.  There is so much out there on line that my only problem is that I am getting too many online entries to sort through.  I am sure, or at least pretty sure, that I am going to be able to find out where I came from.

I probably won’t be able to go back as far as that creature that crawled out of the ocean and on to dry land to see if he kept the same brand of beer in the refrigerator in his man-cave as I drink, but I am hoping to find out about myself.  Maybe I can find out why I turned out the way I did.

If I find anything interesting you will be the first to know.

who you are dealing with

The follow is a multiple choice question.  Please see the photo below and take the quiz below it.

 

 

1. Claude Rains in the movie The Invisible Man
2. Al Qaeda’s current leader
3. A figure from John Boehner’s recurring nightmare
4. Jimbo
5. None of the above

 

The answer, you might be surprised, is, d.,  Jimbo.  Few photographs of him exist and fewer still are published online.

 Actually Jimbo has recently had sinus surgery and in order to cut grass today, we had to make a gauze mask to protect our sinuses and we used the bandana to hold it in place.  It was cool today, so hence the hoodie.  It was also sunny, so the sunglasses were necessary.

Jimbo looks real gangsta in this outfit.

Just a hint:  now you know what I look like so you should be reminded just who you are dealing with.

bronco bama and his defeat of the sideshow huckster

There are many images of campaign 2012 that stick in my mind.  First, Abby, the crying child who is tired of hearing about Bronco Bama and Mitt Romney and his hairness, the Donald reacting much the same way because his money can’t make him any better than the rest of us.  This was the presidential election the wealthy tried to buy, and in the end, their money couldn’t buy them the love they craved.

Of all of the billionaires who used their money to sway this election, the Donald stands out.  He has morphed from respectability to being just another sideshow huckster. I have joked on a couple occasions on this weblog about the Donald’s offer to the President for college and passport records but it is time for the joking to stop.

Last night the Donald tweeted:

This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!

I would counter that by saying, look at the election results.  A democracy is one person, one vote.  People vote their consciences and your money didn’t buy their love.  

You also tweeted:

Our nation is a once great nation divided!

We are not “once great.”  We are still great.  We are still America.

You are allowed to voice your dissent, but a real American does not attack our values and our way of life.  I know there are a lot of Americans who have joined al Qaeda and have set their minds to attack us and our democratic way of life, but I would not expect the same attitude from you.

When you attack our country, our code of beliefs, our flag and constitution, you may as well wrap one of those Arab towels over your infamous hair and yell, “Jihad!  Jihad!”

Had the big money won last night’s election, I would not have been happy about it, but I would not have thrown away my beliefs in the USA.  I guess it would be nice to have your money, but I would rather live on my meager income than give up everything I hold sacred.

I think little Abby got one thing right:  Bronco Bama.  I am happy with the stallion we put back into America’s stable last night.

As for you, Donald, please feel free to join the tattooed lady, the bearded lady and the macabre creature floating in some liquid medium in the large glass bottle at the circus sideshow.  You can put a straw hat on top of your storied hair and lure in the suckers with your promises of the weird and sensational.  Step right up, ladies and gentlemen to see the creature in the bottle.

Or, maybe the sideshow huckster who knows how to get the dollar from our pocket to his.

 

no more akin

One of the bitter disappointments of this election season is that, because of geography, I have had to endure seeing Todd Akin’s face on TV commercials.  Because Missouri is close by and our local television stations are located there, it is hard to avoid seeing him. I have had to be reminded of his crazy statements and continued to see him make more.  It’s like living next door to a crack house except we can’t call the police and have them handle the situation for us.

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing him defeated but the displeasure of having had to endure his concession speech. 

I have been embarrassed to have had to endure him for the last few months.  I am looking forward to never having to see or hear him again.

At least I hope not.  I hope he has the sense not to run for anything again.

Good riddance.

cuban comes over the top

It is apparent that the Donald had chosen to run and hide and not accept my offer.  Or, at least, he has not stood up and been a man and contacted me.

Now I find that Mark Cuban has outbid me—although for Trump’s hair and not his records as I requested—and I am afraid my offer will fade into history much as the aroma of a proverbial fart is dispersed by a proverbial whirlwind.

I guess the guys with the serious scratch can leap over my paltry offer as if it were not there at all.

That is the way it always goes when the guy who represents the 99 percentile goes up against the one-per centers.

Since I am relatively sure that the Donald is not going to lose his hair over this bet, I would like to inform Mr. Cuban that he can have my somewhat abbreviated hair and I will take an offer of ten percent of what he is offering Mr. Trump.

Here is a chance to see the rest of my scalp that is not already visible.  It is an offer that you just don’t want to pass up.

I will look forward to hearing from Mr. Cuban.

 

Jimbo

extension of my offer

Dear the Donald,

I am extending by 24 hours the deadline for your accepting my offer of $100 for your college records, passport records and seven years of you tax returns. 

Due to the recent inclement weather and the obvious effect it has on your east coast businesses, I feel it is only fair.

I am somewhat shocked at the unbelievable momentum that my offer to you has generated.  Many of my readers have expressed to me that they can’t understand why you have not already come across with this information.

“How can you defend somebody for something like that?”  They ask me when I tell them you have not accepted my offer and presented me with these documents.  “It’s ridiculous,” they tell me.

Everyone—except that weird guy with the wierd hair who says you are his idol—is telling me you are hiding something.  I tell them you have nothing to hide and that you are a right-thinking guy with a song in your heart and show biz in your blood.

And you also have great hair, in my humble opinion.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Jimbo

withdrawal of my offer

Dear the Donald,

 

I have read much and heard much about your offer to purchase President Obama’s college and passport records and have heard many people say, what does the President have to lose?

 

I analyzed the question and I applied that logic to my own offer of my college records for $1 million.  I regret that I have to withdraw my offer, because I now understand that anyone who would sell their college records would be an idiot and the President and I are not idiots.  Well, he isn’t, anyway.  Anyone who would sell their college and passport application records would set themselves up for identity theft.

 

Whoever had the application and transcript records of anyone could ruin their lives applying for credit cards and using them for online theft.   Although I don’t look at you as a common criminal, well, you can’t be too careful these days.

 

I wish to make a counter-offer.  I will pay you $100 for all of you college records, passport application records and your last 7 years income tax returns.

 

You have until midnight October 31 to produce them.

 

I figure that for me—an elderly, retired gentleman on a fixed income-- $100 of my net worth is equivalent in your net worth to the $5 million you have offered, and therefore a fair offer.

 

What have you got to lose?   Are you hiding something?

 

I think you are probably an honest man and you probably were born in the United States and probably did well at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, but how can I know for sure unless you come across?

 

I am anxiously awaiting your reply.

 

 

Jimbo

earth-shattering offer to donald trump

Dear the Donald,

 

I just read about your offer of $5 million for President Obama’s college records and his passport application records.  It was a very generous offer, indeed, but not near as earth-shattering or election-changing as I was expecting.

 

 I have to admit that my first reaction was, “WTF?!”

 I had expected something like maybe videotape or photos of a younger Obama coming out of the water at the beach in a wet Speedo that clung to his younger torso in such a way that we could see he was a man with the kind of stones to get bin Laden.  Or, perhaps that same young Obama, in the same Speedo at the same beach, with a fifth of Wild Turkey in one hand and a blonde in a string bikini in the other.

 I was impressed with your showmanship and the way you built up the suspense and got us all interested in the dramatic revelation, but I was very let down that you couldn’t come up with something better than you did.

 It occurred to me—hey, if The Donald really wants to see some transparency in a presidential candidate—there might be a better alternative.  Offer Mitt Romney the same five mill for a couple of year’s tax returns.  However, my idea crashed and burned almost before it came together in my brain knowing that Mitt would not bite for that kind of small change.

But, as you may have suspected, I have come up with a better idea.  Give me only $1 million and I will release to you my college records.  I can get you the discount because, for one, I don’t currently have a passport.  Last year, before I retired, my boss asked me to get one for a business trip to Mexico, but I got busy and blew it off.  I regret that I did because I could have gotten it on the company dime instead of paying for it myself.  And, since I didn’t pay for it, I won’t expect you to, either.

However, my college records would be a good read.  There is some stuff there I am not proud of, like that first semester of my freshman year, back when I was seventeen and I skipped classes and stuff and spent the rest of the time I went to college working to get my GPA back up.  But wait, I don’t want to reveal too much until you come across with some serious coin.

I am offering you a chance, Mr. Trump, to redeem your tarnished reputation and let you have some real stuff and not just some kind of dumb-ass speculation, inference and innuendo.  And, at a bargain price, too.  Please get back with me at your earliest convenience.

Jimbo