the devil went down to indiana

Why is it when you need an exorcist, there are none to be found.

I was extremely disturbed to read, yesterday, that the devil has shown up to cause some trouble. No, I’m not talking about the demon Dubya calling a press conference to spend away more of our money or take away some more of our constitutional freedoms or to wave the American flag as he tramples on that for which it stands. No, I’m not talking about Satan showing up in Georgia to cut heads with a young fiddler named Johnny. This time he has shown up in Indiana, on the shell of a harmless and innocent little turtle.

Damn you, Satan! Damn you!

It appears that there was a fire in a pet shop last fall and Lucky, the turtle, was the only animal to survive. I’m not sure if Lucky received his name before or after the conflagration, but either way, the moniker is certainly apropos. However, after Lucky’s ordeal, now the prince of darkness has chosen further to torment the small creature by making the image of Satan appear on Lucky’s shell. The turtle’s owner says you can see the devil’s horns and goatee, but he confirms the turtle’s behavior hasn’t changed.

Well, mister, I wouldn’t turn my back on Lucky. Satan could very well have some dastardly plans for him. You could argue that as the sole survivor of the holocaust, perhaps Lucky may have been put into the unfortunate position of having to cut a last second deal with Beelzebub in order to save himself. Maybe, like Dr. Faustus, he cut his deal long ago and surviving the fire was preordained. Either way, as we know, most people argue that animals (especially non-mammals) have no souls. Therefore Lucky’s bargaining chip had to have been something other than eternal damnation for his soul.

Could it be that Lucky traded survival, the good life and the opportunity to fertilize some turtle eggs or having its eggs fertilized for something sinister? From reading the story I find no mention of anyone turning over Lucky to determine his sex, providing turtles have distinguishing genitalia, so I don’t know whether he is a girl or a boy. Anyway, what was it that Lucky traded away? Was it to open a portal to allow Satan to come back into this world to dominate, or something as simple as a little advertising space on his shell for the Devil’s self-promotion? Or, was it something in between?

Either way, it’s pretty frightening. Is this as simple as the Virgin Mary’s image appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich, or something as horrifying as the end of days, or am I blowing this all out of proportion? Either way, I’m going to try not to dwell on this, but I am going to keep a wary eye out for more news about this turtle. I’m sure the answer will be somewhere between the books of Revelations and Yertle the Turtle.


Because if it happens in Jimbo’s world we cover it like a shell covers a turtle’s back.