rats as big as raccoons

Just when you think everything is all right, then things go straight to hell in a hand basket.

I read this week about a non-native species of rat causing havoc in Florida. I know, you are probably thinking that I am going to say something negative about the governor of Florida, who is the President’s brother. No, it is not that at all. There is no guilt by association here in Jimbo’s world. I have no particular axe to grind against the man. The particular rat against which I will be preaching today is the Gambian pouch rat; a native of Africa that has been introduced somehow into the Florida Keys and whom conservations say is an environmental problem.

These rats grow to the size of raccoons and compete for the food of two other species of rat that are endangered species. The rats are omnivores, which means, like Jimbo, they will eat almost anything, including bird eggs. You may recall several weeks ago I sort of encouraged all of you to eat bird eggs when I gave you the recipe for Jimbo’s omelet. Of course, these rats are not the bon vivant that Jimbo (and probably you) are and they eat the crap that other rats eat, so they are a problem.

Now, it goes without saying that I am not a fan of rats and I hesitate to get really outraged at the possibility of a couple of species of rat being endangered, but if the alternative is these big rats from Africa who are so big they have no predators, then I guess I have to speak out.

The rats are only in the Florida keys right now and nobody is sure how they got there, but the concern is they will hitch a ride on a truck or do some other crazy stunt and get to the mainland and migrate to the everglades, where they will prosper and get out of control, like college students at spring break, and then there will be hell to pay. There won’t be any aesthetic value in the rats’ shenanigans as there is with the college students. No one will be videotaping the rats’ antics and advertising the “Rats gone wild” videos on Howard Stern’s show.

I also read a story about a kangaroo that got loose in Wisconsin and was captured by the local law enforcement people. I lived in Wisconsin for a while and I’ve been to Florida a few times and I think the climate of Florida is much preferred. I doubt whether the kangaroo would have thrived in Wisconsin like the rats do in Florida. I know I left Wisconsin with no regrets, but every time I went to Florida, I found myself reading the jobs ads in the local paper to see if I could find some way to stay there permanently. Florida is a more hospitable place, environmentally, and once the rats hit the mainland, it’s too late for all of us. Will the rats take over Walt Disney World and drive Mickey Mouse to extinction? Will one of the football teams down there take on the pouch rat as a mascot? Will a restaurant name a dish after the rats? Will Florida become the rat capitol of the world?

Dear God, perish the thought.

I’ve never been to the Keys, but they tell me it’s nice. Maybe the rats will choose to stay there rather than migrate to the mainland. But, even so, I don’t think we want them there, either. I guess our salvation depends on the government of Florida to deliver us from this evil.

Which takes me back to my original point. Just when you think things are all right, it goes to hell in a hand basket.

Because here in Jimbo’s world we know the choice between rats and certain government entities is pretty much a coin flip.