the m&ms and the damage done

Jimbo’s girlfriend has a full-length mirror in her bedroom that rests in a stand, so it can be adjusted to compensate for the height of the person observing him- or herself. Tonight, when I was changing from my work clothes into a pair of white shorts and a gray T-shirt, I was shocked to see a fat boy in the mirror looking back at me.

I asked, “What you lookin’ at, fat boy?”

The fat boy mimicked what I said and that sort of ticked me off, although the only sound I heard was my voice. Then, after looking more carefully at the fat boy, I realized he was wearing the same clothes as I was, although the logo on his T-shirt was ass-backwards. I’ve played on several teams in my life where everyone was dressed in the same uniforms, so I’m used to showing up at places wearing the same thing as everyone else, so that in itself didn’t bother me, but for some reason this overweight chump was irritating me. Then, I started asking myself, “What is this dude doing in my girlfriend’s bedroom?”

So, I asked, “What’re you doing in here?”

This jerk-off started mimicking me again, even to the point of putting his hand on his oversized stomach, just as I was doing. I took one step up to the mirror so I could coldcock this turkey, at which point I realized it was actually me in the mirror.

“Jesus!” I said-- not to suggest the image I was seeing was in any way comparable to or could be mistaken for the Son of God-- but that was just the first word that came to mind.

I patted my ample stomach again and made a mental vow to ease up a bit on the M&Ms and the Coca Cola and not to super-size supper tonight. I thought about how the phrases “comfort fit,” “full size” and “classic fit” sound so much better than “fat boy pants” to the man who is wearing them.

At least, they sound better here in Jumbo Jimbo’s world.