earth-shattering offer to donald trump

Dear the Donald,

 

I just read about your offer of $5 million for President Obama’s college records and his passport application records.  It was a very generous offer, indeed, but not near as earth-shattering or election-changing as I was expecting.

 

 I have to admit that my first reaction was, “WTF?!”

 I had expected something like maybe videotape or photos of a younger Obama coming out of the water at the beach in a wet Speedo that clung to his younger torso in such a way that we could see he was a man with the kind of stones to get bin Laden.  Or, perhaps that same young Obama, in the same Speedo at the same beach, with a fifth of Wild Turkey in one hand and a blonde in a string bikini in the other.

 I was impressed with your showmanship and the way you built up the suspense and got us all interested in the dramatic revelation, but I was very let down that you couldn’t come up with something better than you did.

 It occurred to me—hey, if The Donald really wants to see some transparency in a presidential candidate—there might be a better alternative.  Offer Mitt Romney the same five mill for a couple of year’s tax returns.  However, my idea crashed and burned almost before it came together in my brain knowing that Mitt would not bite for that kind of small change.

But, as you may have suspected, I have come up with a better idea.  Give me only $1 million and I will release to you my college records.  I can get you the discount because, for one, I don’t currently have a passport.  Last year, before I retired, my boss asked me to get one for a business trip to Mexico, but I got busy and blew it off.  I regret that I did because I could have gotten it on the company dime instead of paying for it myself.  And, since I didn’t pay for it, I won’t expect you to, either.

However, my college records would be a good read.  There is some stuff there I am not proud of, like that first semester of my freshman year, back when I was seventeen and I skipped classes and stuff and spent the rest of the time I went to college working to get my GPA back up.  But wait, I don’t want to reveal too much until you come across with some serious coin.

I am offering you a chance, Mr. Trump, to redeem your tarnished reputation and let you have some real stuff and not just some kind of dumb-ass speculation, inference and innuendo.  And, at a bargain price, too.  Please get back with me at your earliest convenience.

Jimbo