"cadillac" jimbo?

It seems like this time of year there are a lot of commercials on television for high end automobiles and trucks.  I have never been the kind of guy who considered giving someone a Mercedes for Christmas, or even an economy car.  Remember, I am an old man on a fixed income.  Of course, I would not have been that extravagant even when I was a younger man, not on a fixed income.

The car commercial that seems to stick in my mind the most is the one for the Cadillac that has a display on the dash that looks like a tablet screen with icons all over it.  The commercial reminds me (and anyone else viewing it) that we want icons on our dashboard rather than buttons or we are old fashioned.

I confess, I am guilty.   I am very hesitant to use my iphone while I am driving, even just to answer a phone call.  I am totally convinced that no one should text and drive and that limiting what we do on our cell phones, ipads and tablets while driving is a very good idea.

So, why the hell do we want a car with a tablet computer on the dashboard?

Oh, I know that I will be accused of being behind the times and people will point at me and laugh.  In my opinion, there is one thing we should do when we take that position behind the wheel and that is to drive the car.  Period!

The only iconography I want to see in my car is a gauge telling me how fast I am going.  I am good with another telling me how much gas I have and another telling me how many revolutions my engine is turning.

I don’t need any other stuff to take my attention off the road.

Call me old fashioned, but I won’t be buying that Cadillac or any other Cadillac any time soon.

three ladies dancing

redux: twelve days and one-o-seven large

Back in the day, your old (and you can put an exclamation point after that word these days) buddy Jimbo used to report every year on PNC Bank’s annual summary of what the Twelve Days of Christmas would cost a guy or gal.  Perhaps you may recall those glory days of yesteryear, and, if not, here is an example.

 http://jimboandhisfriends.blogspot.com/2004/11/twelve-days-and-sixty-six-large.html

 

Well, our buddies at PNC have come out with their numbers this year and if a brother, or sister, wants to go that traditional twelve-days-of-gifts route, it is going to set that brother or sister back one hundred and seven grand plus $300 change.  Here is a link to PNC’s website for those of you that are interested in going direct to the source.  I warn you, however, that some sort of dumb-ass contest, rather than any intelligent explanation of the economics behind the numbers pops up.  One needs to dig into the screen a bit to find the data behind the numbers

http://www.pncchristmaspriceindex.com

However, since I know you don’t want to see some old bald guy telling you about a contest, please feel free to stay here and this old bald guy will help to explain the numbers.

Basically, as the song goes, the presenter gives his gal a bird in a tree the first day and then repeats that every day for the twelve.  The second day is another couple of birds of a different species (repeated 11 times) and then three more birds of yet another species on day three, repeated ten times.  There are numerous exotic birds throughout the twelve days and it appears that a large part of the expenditure is for the fowl.

Jimbo went through and crunched the numbers and I am concerned the PNC guys didn’t shop around enough.  They figured $1000 each for the swans.  Repeated six times, that is 42 swans, or $42,000.  That is a big part of this total bill.  Yes, I found $1000 swans for sale on line, but I found cheaper ones and I am wondering if the guys at PNC tried to negotiate a quantity discount.  I asked Mrs. Jimbo if she would like 42 swans for Christmas this year and she was not warm to the idea.

The next biggest expense is the dancing ladies at $700 apiece, thirty-six times.  I am afraid when the dancing ladies showed up that Mrs. Jimbo would direct them to the door and would point her husband the same way.  When the twenty-five grand showed up on the Visa bill in January, she would suggest to Jimbo that he not let the door hit him in the ass on the way out—if she had not directed him to do that earlier.

Thirty leaping lords at $476 each (ten of them three times) is the third largest cost on the list.  The swans, the ladies and the lords total over $80 grand or more than 75% of the total nut.

While I agree with PNC that there has been inflation this year, I have to say that I have come to a similar conclusion that I did back in those heady days of 2004.  Instead of going for all of the livestock, drummers, dancers and leaping lords, we should probably consider things like ipads and flat screen televisions.  After all, it is easier to find these things on sale.

Now, get out there and start celebrating the Christmas season like you mean it.

it just gets weirder

Just when I see something so weird that I think I have seen it all and I am saying to myself, it can’t get any weirder than that, well, it does and it leaves me asking myself why I keep telling myself that.

I read a story today about a woman in Gilbert, AZ, who was so unhappy about Obama being reelected that she ran over her husband with a car, injuring him critically.  The story goes that the woman was so concerned that Obama will cause suffering for her family that she had to chase her husband with the car and run him down.

I am not that familiar with Gilbert, but I know of a couple of people who live there and I gather it is an upscale suburb because I understand they are wealthy people.  I would hazard a guess that raising taxes on the wealthy might have been the primary motivation for this automotive attempted homicide. 

Apparently the reason for the vehicular attack was that the husband failed to vote for Romney.  Had the husband voted for Obama, I’m sure there are a lot of nuts out there that might argue the attack was justified, because there are a lot of nuts out there saying a lot of crazy stuff.  However, the husband apparently failed to vote, period.

For the sake of argument, I am going to assume that both the woman driver and her target husband are Arizona residents.  Because Romney won Arizona and all its electoral votes an additional vote by the husband would have had no affect on the outcome of the election.  I am not cutting the guy slack because every vote counts and he should be ashamed of himself for not voting—even if it were potentially going to be a vote for Romney.  However, in this case, his additional vote would not have changed the results.  As unforgivable as not voting is, however, it is not a reason to inflict physical violence, and, in this case it would not provide justification for his maiming and almost homicide.

I think maybe the real story is that there are a lot of nuts out there saying a lot of nutty things, before and during election season and they are continuing after the election.

When we say seriously nutty things we have to remember that there are people out there who will hear them, believe them and act on them, even if their actions result in senseless violence.  Not all of those people have guns, but many of them have cars.

where I came from

I have had the bible open most of the day and, amongst doing some house repairs and washing the car, I have been trying to glean some information and trying to find out about myself.

Many long-time readers are probably asking, “Jimbo, didn’t you, years ago, in the words of the late Graham Parsons, talk about unbuckling that old bible-belt and headed for that Nevada desert town?”

Still others are probably asking whether, as my body is wracked with age more every day, I am following the lead of the great W. C. Fields who, on his death bed was observed reading his bible.  When questioned he responded that he was “Looking for loopholes.”

Well, as I have always believed the bible to be the source of most modern literature—or, at the very least—an important stopping-off point of most of the plotlines we read today, and I have quoted from the bible often in these pages.

However, today I have the bible open to some once-blank pages separating the new and Old Testament and I am reading notes about my family lineage jotted down by my grandfather sixty-some years ago.  Unfortunately, my grandfather died fifty-nine years ago, so he couldn’t pull out his ipad and go online and search.   He had to rely on word of mouth and reading books.  Fortunately I have the internet and I am able to search for the names in the good book and I am getting hit after hit.  There is so much out there on line that my only problem is that I am getting too many online entries to sort through.  I am sure, or at least pretty sure, that I am going to be able to find out where I came from.

I probably won’t be able to go back as far as that creature that crawled out of the ocean and on to dry land to see if he kept the same brand of beer in the refrigerator in his man-cave as I drink, but I am hoping to find out about myself.  Maybe I can find out why I turned out the way I did.

If I find anything interesting you will be the first to know.

who you are dealing with

The follow is a multiple choice question.  Please see the photo below and take the quiz below it.

 

 

1. Claude Rains in the movie The Invisible Man
2. Al Qaeda’s current leader
3. A figure from John Boehner’s recurring nightmare
4. Jimbo
5. None of the above

 

The answer, you might be surprised, is, d.,  Jimbo.  Few photographs of him exist and fewer still are published online.

 Actually Jimbo has recently had sinus surgery and in order to cut grass today, we had to make a gauze mask to protect our sinuses and we used the bandana to hold it in place.  It was cool today, so hence the hoodie.  It was also sunny, so the sunglasses were necessary.

Jimbo looks real gangsta in this outfit.

Just a hint:  now you know what I look like so you should be reminded just who you are dealing with.

bronco bama and his defeat of the sideshow huckster

There are many images of campaign 2012 that stick in my mind.  First, Abby, the crying child who is tired of hearing about Bronco Bama and Mitt Romney and his hairness, the Donald reacting much the same way because his money can’t make him any better than the rest of us.  This was the presidential election the wealthy tried to buy, and in the end, their money couldn’t buy them the love they craved.

Of all of the billionaires who used their money to sway this election, the Donald stands out.  He has morphed from respectability to being just another sideshow huckster. I have joked on a couple occasions on this weblog about the Donald’s offer to the President for college and passport records but it is time for the joking to stop.

Last night the Donald tweeted:

This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!

I would counter that by saying, look at the election results.  A democracy is one person, one vote.  People vote their consciences and your money didn’t buy their love.  

You also tweeted:

Our nation is a once great nation divided!

We are not “once great.”  We are still great.  We are still America.

You are allowed to voice your dissent, but a real American does not attack our values and our way of life.  I know there are a lot of Americans who have joined al Qaeda and have set their minds to attack us and our democratic way of life, but I would not expect the same attitude from you.

When you attack our country, our code of beliefs, our flag and constitution, you may as well wrap one of those Arab towels over your infamous hair and yell, “Jihad!  Jihad!”

Had the big money won last night’s election, I would not have been happy about it, but I would not have thrown away my beliefs in the USA.  I guess it would be nice to have your money, but I would rather live on my meager income than give up everything I hold sacred.

I think little Abby got one thing right:  Bronco Bama.  I am happy with the stallion we put back into America’s stable last night.

As for you, Donald, please feel free to join the tattooed lady, the bearded lady and the macabre creature floating in some liquid medium in the large glass bottle at the circus sideshow.  You can put a straw hat on top of your storied hair and lure in the suckers with your promises of the weird and sensational.  Step right up, ladies and gentlemen to see the creature in the bottle.

Or, maybe the sideshow huckster who knows how to get the dollar from our pocket to his.

 

no more akin

One of the bitter disappointments of this election season is that, because of geography, I have had to endure seeing Todd Akin’s face on TV commercials.  Because Missouri is close by and our local television stations are located there, it is hard to avoid seeing him. I have had to be reminded of his crazy statements and continued to see him make more.  It’s like living next door to a crack house except we can’t call the police and have them handle the situation for us.

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing him defeated but the displeasure of having had to endure his concession speech. 

I have been embarrassed to have had to endure him for the last few months.  I am looking forward to never having to see or hear him again.

At least I hope not.  I hope he has the sense not to run for anything again.

Good riddance.

cuban comes over the top

It is apparent that the Donald had chosen to run and hide and not accept my offer.  Or, at least, he has not stood up and been a man and contacted me.

Now I find that Mark Cuban has outbid me—although for Trump’s hair and not his records as I requested—and I am afraid my offer will fade into history much as the aroma of a proverbial fart is dispersed by a proverbial whirlwind.

I guess the guys with the serious scratch can leap over my paltry offer as if it were not there at all.

That is the way it always goes when the guy who represents the 99 percentile goes up against the one-per centers.

Since I am relatively sure that the Donald is not going to lose his hair over this bet, I would like to inform Mr. Cuban that he can have my somewhat abbreviated hair and I will take an offer of ten percent of what he is offering Mr. Trump.

Here is a chance to see the rest of my scalp that is not already visible.  It is an offer that you just don’t want to pass up.

I will look forward to hearing from Mr. Cuban.

 

Jimbo

extension of my offer

Dear the Donald,

I am extending by 24 hours the deadline for your accepting my offer of $100 for your college records, passport records and seven years of you tax returns. 

Due to the recent inclement weather and the obvious effect it has on your east coast businesses, I feel it is only fair.

I am somewhat shocked at the unbelievable momentum that my offer to you has generated.  Many of my readers have expressed to me that they can’t understand why you have not already come across with this information.

“How can you defend somebody for something like that?”  They ask me when I tell them you have not accepted my offer and presented me with these documents.  “It’s ridiculous,” they tell me.

Everyone—except that weird guy with the wierd hair who says you are his idol—is telling me you are hiding something.  I tell them you have nothing to hide and that you are a right-thinking guy with a song in your heart and show biz in your blood.

And you also have great hair, in my humble opinion.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Jimbo

withdrawal of my offer

Dear the Donald,

 

I have read much and heard much about your offer to purchase President Obama’s college and passport records and have heard many people say, what does the President have to lose?

 

I analyzed the question and I applied that logic to my own offer of my college records for $1 million.  I regret that I have to withdraw my offer, because I now understand that anyone who would sell their college records would be an idiot and the President and I are not idiots.  Well, he isn’t, anyway.  Anyone who would sell their college and passport application records would set themselves up for identity theft.

 

Whoever had the application and transcript records of anyone could ruin their lives applying for credit cards and using them for online theft.   Although I don’t look at you as a common criminal, well, you can’t be too careful these days.

 

I wish to make a counter-offer.  I will pay you $100 for all of you college records, passport application records and your last 7 years income tax returns.

 

You have until midnight October 31 to produce them.

 

I figure that for me—an elderly, retired gentleman on a fixed income-- $100 of my net worth is equivalent in your net worth to the $5 million you have offered, and therefore a fair offer.

 

What have you got to lose?   Are you hiding something?

 

I think you are probably an honest man and you probably were born in the United States and probably did well at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, but how can I know for sure unless you come across?

 

I am anxiously awaiting your reply.

 

 

Jimbo

earth-shattering offer to donald trump

Dear the Donald,

 

I just read about your offer of $5 million for President Obama’s college records and his passport application records.  It was a very generous offer, indeed, but not near as earth-shattering or election-changing as I was expecting.

 

 I have to admit that my first reaction was, “WTF?!”

 I had expected something like maybe videotape or photos of a younger Obama coming out of the water at the beach in a wet Speedo that clung to his younger torso in such a way that we could see he was a man with the kind of stones to get bin Laden.  Or, perhaps that same young Obama, in the same Speedo at the same beach, with a fifth of Wild Turkey in one hand and a blonde in a string bikini in the other.

 I was impressed with your showmanship and the way you built up the suspense and got us all interested in the dramatic revelation, but I was very let down that you couldn’t come up with something better than you did.

 It occurred to me—hey, if The Donald really wants to see some transparency in a presidential candidate—there might be a better alternative.  Offer Mitt Romney the same five mill for a couple of year’s tax returns.  However, my idea crashed and burned almost before it came together in my brain knowing that Mitt would not bite for that kind of small change.

But, as you may have suspected, I have come up with a better idea.  Give me only $1 million and I will release to you my college records.  I can get you the discount because, for one, I don’t currently have a passport.  Last year, before I retired, my boss asked me to get one for a business trip to Mexico, but I got busy and blew it off.  I regret that I did because I could have gotten it on the company dime instead of paying for it myself.  And, since I didn’t pay for it, I won’t expect you to, either.

However, my college records would be a good read.  There is some stuff there I am not proud of, like that first semester of my freshman year, back when I was seventeen and I skipped classes and stuff and spent the rest of the time I went to college working to get my GPA back up.  But wait, I don’t want to reveal too much until you come across with some serious coin.

I am offering you a chance, Mr. Trump, to redeem your tarnished reputation and let you have some real stuff and not just some kind of dumb-ass speculation, inference and innuendo.  And, at a bargain price, too.  Please get back with me at your earliest convenience.

Jimbo

proof obama is an alien

I keep hearing people putting out wild stories about President Obama not being an American.  The nuts out there are putting out all sorts of stories that Obama is an illegal alien or not a citizen of the United States.

 

Because there is not a day that goes by that some nut comes up with some tall tale about Obama being a Muslim or being ready to give America to a foreign country, it makes one wonder why anyone would want to be President of a country so chocked full of nuts.

Then it dawned on me that, since I have credentials of being a nut that overshadows the nuttiness of most of the certifiable nuts that have gotten their fifteen minutes recently, then I should come up with something really nutty.

Fortunately, I have suddenly come into possession of some very interesting information about the President that can help certify my nuttiness over and above some of the crazy people we have heard from lately.  Here it is.

When I first came about the information the Barack Obama is not even a native of Earth, I admit I had to study it twice.  However, I am now convinced that the President is actually from the planet Vulcan.

Oh, Jimbo, there you go being a nut again, you are probably telling yourself.  Well here is my proof.  Vulcans are all highly rational people who use logic and intelligent thought to make decisions.  I defy you to find another politician who does that—beside, of course, the President.

Fascinating, you are probably saying to yourself at this moment.

Do you need more proof?  How about those ears?  Does the President have the prominent Vulcan ears, or am I just out in the deep end?  Sure, if his ears were pointed it would seal the deal, but if Obama could have won races for the state house in Illinois, the U.S. Senate from Illinois and the United States Presidency surely could have had the presence of mind to have those ear tips altered.

How about the sideburns that end in a point at about the edge of the earlobe that the Vulcans have, you might ask?  Shavers, is my one-word answer.

Yeah, I think I have proved my point—or at least as well or better than most of the other nuts who have crawled out from under their rocks recently.  And to the President I say two things.  One, I am good with it.  We need someone who uses logic running this show.  And the other thing I would tell the President—if he is even listening—is as follows.

Live long and prosper.

murder, or just a joke?

Rumor has it that Karl Rove wants to kill Todd Akin.

 

Actually, he made a joke that implied that he would not want to be investigated closely if Akin were found mysteriously murdered.

Ha, ha.

Actually, Rove as the assassin who actually carries the gun and pulls the trigger defies credibility, so let’s not even think of trying to pin physical violence on the rotund one.  I think his point is that what Todd Akin said about “legitimate rape” and the black eye it gave the Missouri Senatorial candidate is an embarrassment to the Grand Old Party as well as it is to modern, civilized society.

I know an artist who once did a series of sculptures based on angels.  He invited me to the showing of the sculptures at a local art gallery and, during the conversation, I asked him about his choice of subject matter and whether he believed in angels or not.  The conversation moved from whether or not he believed in angels to the subject of religion and faith.  He told me that one who has faith need not require physical proof. I thought about that conversation this morning as I read the story about Rove and Akin and I thought there was a point to be made about faith.  The definition of faith I found today is as follows.

Faith: belief that is not based on proof

I watched RNC coverage this week and I was surprised by a lack of specifics and I keep coming back to the statement by Todd Akin. What I heard from the Republicans this week were vague and flowery stories about a beautiful place they are going to take us, and they don’t know where it is or how we are going to get there.  We just need to have faith.  We just need to believe.  We just need to drink their Kool-Aid.

Akin was basically reiterating the position of the Republican platform when he inserted his foot into his mouth.  I think, however, since it is not a purely religious issue, and he does represent the show-me state, he was compelled to attach some cold, hard facts, rather than simply to rely on faith.  I think he got caught up in the moment and tried to explain his position by making up some cold, hard “facts.”  Unfortunately, his “facts” were more a wish rather than something he could prove.  His “facts” were based on his faith that his opinion had to be right, so he needed to provide proof for those of little faith.

He and his fellow Republicans are going to take us to a much better place:  A place where everything is pure and good.  And how are they going to get us there?

They’ll make it up as they go along.

walkin' on the water

I had a few momentary thoughts of terror yesterday morning when I read about Congressman Kevin Yoder skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee.  My anxiety was not because a fellow Kansan might have had one more drink than he should have, lost his clothes and tried to re-enact Jesus’ fabled walk upon those same waters.  After all, how many times have I and my fellow Kansans been somewhere near water where alcohol was served and one thing led to another?  Usually it is a lake, reservoir or farm pond and not a sacred historic site, but we all know how the story goes.

“Liquor?  Why, yes, just to be social.  Is the water warm today?  Oh, no, I won’t need a bathing suit…”

Yoder said that alcohol played no role and I have to accept that as the truth, but usually it takes me a few drinks before I will unharness the old package.

Well, you know the drill.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

However, my fellow rednecks and I are expected to get drunk and do stupid things.  Our representative is supposed to be a tea-totaler and not do stupid things.

Oh, wait!  Yoder is a member of Congress, and that group is famous for doing stupid things, so I can’t expect their behavior to be half a good as my fellow rednecks.  Please disregard my first argument that he should be held to a higher standard.

My terror, however, was two-fold.  I still can’t get it through my head that Yoder is not my congressman.  We moved a couple of miles west three years ago and either moved out of the district he represents or we were gerrymandered out when they moved the boundaries to insure that no Democrat would ever again win the district once represented by the highly respected, sober and fully-clothed, Dennis Moore.

Oh, good, Yoder is not my congressman. 

This should help the Democrat running against him, I thought.

Then I remembered.

Oh, great!  Because the district has been gerrymandered to insure a Democrat will never win, there isn’t even one running, just a Libertarian without a ghost of a chance, even though he thinks this will help put him over the top.  Despite the fact it will have no effect on the election it will be fun to hear the congressman explain this again and again.

day one

The question has come up a number of times the last few days: When is day one?


Was day one actually Friday night when I shook the last hand and signed out for the last time? That would have, theoretically, been just another Friday night when Jimbo would have left work for the week, just like he has countless other times over the last five decades.


Or, would it have been Saturday, the first day off work after a long career? One could argue both sides. On one side, the argument is that, although Saturday is a typical day off, that it was a different Saturday, since I left the job at work and was not thinking about the previous week or strategizing about the week upcoming. I think I disqualified Friday and Saturday as day one because I still strategized in bed Friday night and wondered what I had failed to impart upon my replacement and what I needed to communicate to him.


Sunday as day one would have been a lukewarm argument. The pro-day-one argument was that the elimination of Sunday night mental preparation for the following work day was not necessary and therefore a relaxed Sunday night. However, the strategizing continued. What did I forget to do? What did I leave out? What did I fail to give emphasis in my last week of training the new guy?


Therefore, I assert that Monday was day one.


The strategic planning and the “what if” and “if then” scenarios were beginning to move to the recesses of the brain. The realization that total release from a career that demanded 24/7 attention will not happen in one day or one weekend had begun to set in. The realization that I am not free and won’t be for a week or two—or maybe more—had become reality.


However, I was as free as I had been in any time in recent memory. In an era where the day off no longer exists, where holidays are a time to be with the family and sneak in some work time and when the definition of vacation is doing ones work outside the office, being retired takes on an unfamiliar significance. I am not complaining, though. I am good with it—very, very good with it.


Yeah, Monday was day one.


And if you were to argue that my first day of freedom was spent doing laundry, cleaning house, cooking and doing dishes and that doesn’t sound like much of a way to enjoy oneself, I can only suggest you try it some time. It’s about as good as it gets.


Now, let’s see what kind of a ball we can have on day two.

Coming Soon

Coming soon will be more exciting and more frequent content. Just be patient for another couple of weeks. Thanks for your continued support