extension of my offer

Dear the Donald,

I am extending by 24 hours the deadline for your accepting my offer of $100 for your college records, passport records and seven years of you tax returns. 

Due to the recent inclement weather and the obvious effect it has on your east coast businesses, I feel it is only fair.

I am somewhat shocked at the unbelievable momentum that my offer to you has generated.  Many of my readers have expressed to me that they can’t understand why you have not already come across with this information.

“How can you defend somebody for something like that?”  They ask me when I tell them you have not accepted my offer and presented me with these documents.  “It’s ridiculous,” they tell me.

Everyone—except that weird guy with the wierd hair who says you are his idol—is telling me you are hiding something.  I tell them you have nothing to hide and that you are a right-thinking guy with a song in your heart and show biz in your blood.

And you also have great hair, in my humble opinion.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

 

Jimbo

withdrawal of my offer

Dear the Donald,

 

I have read much and heard much about your offer to purchase President Obama’s college and passport records and have heard many people say, what does the President have to lose?

 

I analyzed the question and I applied that logic to my own offer of my college records for $1 million.  I regret that I have to withdraw my offer, because I now understand that anyone who would sell their college records would be an idiot and the President and I are not idiots.  Well, he isn’t, anyway.  Anyone who would sell their college and passport application records would set themselves up for identity theft.

 

Whoever had the application and transcript records of anyone could ruin their lives applying for credit cards and using them for online theft.   Although I don’t look at you as a common criminal, well, you can’t be too careful these days.

 

I wish to make a counter-offer.  I will pay you $100 for all of you college records, passport application records and your last 7 years income tax returns.

 

You have until midnight October 31 to produce them.

 

I figure that for me—an elderly, retired gentleman on a fixed income-- $100 of my net worth is equivalent in your net worth to the $5 million you have offered, and therefore a fair offer.

 

What have you got to lose?   Are you hiding something?

 

I think you are probably an honest man and you probably were born in the United States and probably did well at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, but how can I know for sure unless you come across?

 

I am anxiously awaiting your reply.

 

 

Jimbo

earth-shattering offer to donald trump

Dear the Donald,

 

I just read about your offer of $5 million for President Obama’s college records and his passport application records.  It was a very generous offer, indeed, but not near as earth-shattering or election-changing as I was expecting.

 

 I have to admit that my first reaction was, “WTF?!”

 I had expected something like maybe videotape or photos of a younger Obama coming out of the water at the beach in a wet Speedo that clung to his younger torso in such a way that we could see he was a man with the kind of stones to get bin Laden.  Or, perhaps that same young Obama, in the same Speedo at the same beach, with a fifth of Wild Turkey in one hand and a blonde in a string bikini in the other.

 I was impressed with your showmanship and the way you built up the suspense and got us all interested in the dramatic revelation, but I was very let down that you couldn’t come up with something better than you did.

 It occurred to me—hey, if The Donald really wants to see some transparency in a presidential candidate—there might be a better alternative.  Offer Mitt Romney the same five mill for a couple of year’s tax returns.  However, my idea crashed and burned almost before it came together in my brain knowing that Mitt would not bite for that kind of small change.

But, as you may have suspected, I have come up with a better idea.  Give me only $1 million and I will release to you my college records.  I can get you the discount because, for one, I don’t currently have a passport.  Last year, before I retired, my boss asked me to get one for a business trip to Mexico, but I got busy and blew it off.  I regret that I did because I could have gotten it on the company dime instead of paying for it myself.  And, since I didn’t pay for it, I won’t expect you to, either.

However, my college records would be a good read.  There is some stuff there I am not proud of, like that first semester of my freshman year, back when I was seventeen and I skipped classes and stuff and spent the rest of the time I went to college working to get my GPA back up.  But wait, I don’t want to reveal too much until you come across with some serious coin.

I am offering you a chance, Mr. Trump, to redeem your tarnished reputation and let you have some real stuff and not just some kind of dumb-ass speculation, inference and innuendo.  And, at a bargain price, too.  Please get back with me at your earliest convenience.

Jimbo