I had a chance last Sunday to talk to a fellow job seeker about his job search and we compared notes. While I’m looking for more of a managerial position, my friend Jonathan is looking for something more entry-level, since he is only eighteen. He also needs to find something within walking distance of his mother’s house, as he doesn’t have a car. His mother lives in the state capitol and Jonathan described to me the places he has applied and the names of the streets on which his potential places of employment are located. Not only will Jonathan be starting out on the ground floor, he will potentially be working on some street named after a president of the United States—and not top-ranked presidents, at that. Let me take you on a tour of his neighborhood—the mean streets of Capitol City-- from east to west.
Van Buren Street- Named after Martin Van Buren, a president whose native tongue was Dutch. In my reading about him, I found his nickname was Old Kinderhook (pretty catchy, huh?) and he was a fan of George Clinton. His picture makes it appear as if he had some kind of a white guy’s version of an Afro-Sheen blow out kit. I thought that maybe he wore his hair like that to emulate George Clinton, but I think the George Clinton with whom he was tight was not the one whose music we all know and love, as his presidency was more than 150 years before our George Clinton began recording.
Harrison Street- Named after William Henry Harrison, who was the oldest man elected to be president until Ronald Reagan. His picture indicates he had a big-assed nose. He also served only 30 days before he died. Some logic is starting to appear in these street names. As we go west, the streets are named after successive presidents. Harrison was succeeded by Topeka Blvd.
Topeka Blvd.- What the hell? There was never a president named Topeka Blvd. How did that one get in there?
Tyler Street- Named after John Tyler, the guy who pushed Topeka Blvd. out of the way and succeeded Harrison. It appears he was Harrison’s vice-president and was never re-elected, serving only four years. It looks as though his most important act as president was to meet his second wife and marry her while in office. Did fireworks go off when he met her? You bet. He met her at a ceremony during which a cannon exploded, killing two members of his cabinet and the father of his eventual bride.
Polk Street- Named after James Knox Polk, a guy who was ranked in the top ten presidents based on the research I read. I guess I’ll have to rag on him for the sort-of-mullet haircut he had. It is hard to describe, so try to look up his picture.
Taylor Street- Named after Zachary Taylor, who was known as Old Rough and Ready, apparently because he wore rumpled clothes and a straw hat, and not because of his sexual prowess. He only served sixteen months before he died in office and was succeeded by Western Ave.
Western Ave.- How did jump in line ahead of all the other dead presidents? Who named these streets, anyway?
Fillmore Street- Named after Millard Fillmore, who succeeded Taylor when he died. Fillmore served as president less than three years and when it came time for re-election, his party, the Whigs, failed to nominate him, so he ran for president on the ticket of the Know Nothing party. Now, we have had some presidents who arguably didn’t know anything, but I would propose that having “know nothing” written by your name on the ballot would not be a plus come election day.
Clay Street- Named for some guy named Clay, I guess. Logic would dictate that this street should be named for Franklin Pierce, the next president. I assume that it is because Pierce was a democrat and this is a republican state capitol.
Buchanan Street- Named for James Buchanan, who preceded Abraham Lincoln. Buchanan appears to be a man who did not enjoy his work. He told Lincoln on Honest Abe’s inauguration day, “If you are as happy entering the presidency as I am leaving it, then you are truly a happy man.”
My conclusion that Jonathan’s neighborhood is a grid of streets named for presidents whose achievements are not as well noted and accepted as those of some of our other, more illustrious presidents. And into this grid of streets, someone whose feel for history has allowed the naming of several streets to add to the asymmetry of the mean streets of capitol city. Maybe, it will allow, years from now, for someone to insert the name of another unremarkable man. Bush Street! I like the sound.
As for Jonathan and me, we’ll continue to pound the pavement, looking for that opportunity to end his unemployment and to keep me from entering mine.
At least that is our hope, here in Jimbo’s world.
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